the first day of school

Here I sit at my computer.  I've taken all three kids to school.  Had a nice breakfast alone with my husband. Cleaned the whole house.  The whole quiet house.  It's quiet here.  I didn't realize it could be so quiet.  After having three boys here for 14 years it's finally quiet.  I am not sure how I feel about it.  I like quiet sometimes.  I like being alone sometimes.  But I am not sure I like quiet and alone all the time.

I was just thinking about my life and how I gave up all my dreams and goals for myself so that I could have 14 years of noise.  14 years of wrestling in the house.  14 years of arguing and competition over a nerf basketball hoop.  14 years of lunches at the kitchen table.  14 years of play dates and sleep overs.

And now it's quiet.  I took all three of my kids, the ones I've been raising, the ones I've invested in, the ones I've poured a foundation for and left them in the hands of someone else.  Does she know how much I've put into them?  Does she know how much I've prayed for them?  Does she know how treasured they are?  Does she know how much they are missed today?

Yesterday, Will got mad, real mad at Graham and told him "I am gonna kill you!" And so yesterday I was real real ready for school to start.

But not today.  Today I miss them.  And all their noise.  And all their arguing.  And all their competitiveness.  And all their hugs.  And all their smiles.